My path toward discovering my authentic self started many years ago. I'd like to say that it started around 1966, but in all serious, I was just at the beginning of life that year. I was focused on eating, sleeping and waking up my parents every two hours to feed me.
My real journey toward finding my authentic true identity started in the early 80's. I was a young women burgeoning on the threshold of adulthood when I began to ask my self the age old question "Who Am I?" Truth be told, I'm still trying to answer that question some 52 years later.
I have realized that you cannot define your true authentic identity without first finding out about the people around you. That leads me to tonights blog. It's Christmas Eve 2018. While most folks are gathered around their Christmas trees, I'm home in front of my computer reflecting on this epic, heartbreaking, anxiety riddled fifty second year of my life.
The beginning of this year saw an upheaval in my family. My oldest son and his wife separated and divorced this past year. Our family dynamic changed and our lives were sent into a giant tailspin hurtling us toward disasterville. Just as things were beginning to settle down with my immediate family, and to add insult to injury, as of September I have lost three biological aunts, one uncle, two first cousins once removed and my mother in law. Let's face it, Christmas could come and go and it wouldn't bother me at all. If it wasn't for the fact that I had six grandchildren that have waited all year for Santa and his eight tiny reindeer to visit their house, I could truly and honestly just bury my head in the sand and let this year play out to it's agonizing end. Since that action is not an option I will solider on.
I'm dedicating this blog to two of my aunt's. One, my Auntie Doris passed away this fall. The other my Auntie Alice is very much alive. She is a fighter, a survivor of breast cancer and in my book she is a Warrior Queen. You see, my two very special aunties were part of that circle of people that helped define my character and made me the woman I am today.
Losing my Auntie Doris was, in some way worse than losing my own mother. Both of my aunties have taken up the position in my life as aunt, sister and as a mother figure. My Aunt Doris's house was home. A home where we gathered as a family the last Christmas my grandparents were alive and together. It's where we celebrated my mom's final Christmas on this earth before she passed in 2000 and it's where we have joined together over these last several years to catch up with each other, to celebrate our victories and mourn our losses. The house is still there but my Auntie Doris is gone.
As this holiday was approaching I could hear min my ear the voice of my sweet gentle Aunt Doris urging me to get over my Scrooge like attitude and my Mrs. Grinch like ways and buckle up and celebrate life.
I decided to take a page out the book of Doris and Alice and I chose to make something special for the people in my life that have brought me through this year. I love to craft, just like my Aunt's and have fond memories of making salt dough ornaments and pine cone birds seed feeders for the birds to feast on over the long winter months. It was important for my Aunt Doris to honor all of life, human, animal and insect alike. She valued every critter. Even the lowly earthen worms and the woolly caterpillars.
I found some shiny beads and a few silver baubles and crafted a bracelet. I hand picked a silver charm for each bracelet that said, I love you to the moon and back. words that my aunties both have whispered to those of us they loved. Each bracelet is unique. Each bracelet that I made was for someone special, a person who had made a significance in my life during this very hard, long year of loss.
Of course I made one for my Auntie Alice. She was down visiting from up north to spend Christmas with her children and grandchildren and she managed to etch out a few minutes of her packed schedule for a visit with me and receive her gift. We spent a few moment's standing in the kitchen of our beloved Doris talking and crying over our joint loss and in a small way celebrating our love of life and the precious gift of being with family.
Then last night I received a phone call from my Aunt Alice. She was full of giggles and began to tell me about her visit to her sister's grave site. She had stopped by the cemetery before she drove home back to Elyria. Apparently as Alice retold the story. She was wearing the bracelet on her wrist and was standing graveside checking out the beautiful grave blanket that adorned Doris's final resting place. Alice had bent down to pick up a heart shaped rock that she found on the ground to give to her great nephew, Doris's youngest grandson, and was about to walk away when her husband pointed to the ground and told her that she lost her ring. Puzzled my Aunt wondered what the holy heck her hubby was talking about. Apparently the charm on her bracelet had loosened itself and broke free landing right on top of Doris's grave. That brought a chuckle to Alice and also to myself when she called to tell me about it. You see Alice told her sister that she couldn't keep the charm as it was made just for her, by me. As I listened to the joy in my auntie's voice I was struck with an idea. I happen to have a matching charm, just like the one that I had linked to Alice's bracelet. I decided that I would make my way over to the cemetery and tuck the charm safley under the grave blanket as a token of love and affection for my beautiful kind and loving aunt whom I valued more than life itself.
I had a long talk with my Auntie at graveside. I realized that I haven't even begun to mourn her departure from this earth. Not even a little bit. Making these bracelets and passing them out to my family and friends was my way of honoring my Aunt and the values that she taught me. She passed on sayings like "Work smarter not harder". She was also famous for saying "I love you to the moon and back"
So I found a little rock with a sharp edge and I dug a little hole, deep enough to hold that charm and then I dropped it on to her burial plot, tucked up under the greenery that adorned her plot.
I felt lighter, happier and almost dare I say it; In the Christmas spirit. I went about my day, finishing up some final Christmas shopping and stopping by the grocery for some last minute holiday treats.
Upon arriving home my husband and I grabbed our goodies and entered the house through the front door. Usually we walk into the garage but one of our grandson's was napping and we took the unusual route through the front as to not wake him from his nap. Low and behold crawling on the ground, right smack dab in the middle of porch was a beautiful orange and black woolly worm.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that my auntie D. and given me a message from heaven. The message was to embrace life, rejoice in today and celebrate Christmas just as she would have wanted me to. Also she really wanted that damn charm and by golly she was happy that she got one. Just like her sister Alice's.
If I am to be my true Authentic self, then I must honor those wonderful women in my life that were and still are an integral part of who I am today.
As a final Christmas celebration my husband and I drove through the Fairfield County Fairgrounds where a Christmas light display had been set up. Bernie Fleming of Keller Farm's added the display for the joy of all in the county to enjoy. Mr. Fleming also happens to be my Aunt Doris's former boss.
I was taking in the beautiful display of flickering lights when I suddenly gasped in amazement. Right in front of me was the most glorious sight. A giant picture of my Auntie Doris Marcus. Mr. Fleming had made sure that she was part of the display of lights. There she was smiling down on me, in all her glory, surrounded by a grouping of gorgeous plants. She was right there on the side of a barn, working smarter, not harder and I could hear her whisper in my ear. I Love You To The Moon and Back.
My real journey toward finding my authentic true identity started in the early 80's. I was a young women burgeoning on the threshold of adulthood when I began to ask my self the age old question "Who Am I?" Truth be told, I'm still trying to answer that question some 52 years later.
I have realized that you cannot define your true authentic identity without first finding out about the people around you. That leads me to tonights blog. It's Christmas Eve 2018. While most folks are gathered around their Christmas trees, I'm home in front of my computer reflecting on this epic, heartbreaking, anxiety riddled fifty second year of my life.
The beginning of this year saw an upheaval in my family. My oldest son and his wife separated and divorced this past year. Our family dynamic changed and our lives were sent into a giant tailspin hurtling us toward disasterville. Just as things were beginning to settle down with my immediate family, and to add insult to injury, as of September I have lost three biological aunts, one uncle, two first cousins once removed and my mother in law. Let's face it, Christmas could come and go and it wouldn't bother me at all. If it wasn't for the fact that I had six grandchildren that have waited all year for Santa and his eight tiny reindeer to visit their house, I could truly and honestly just bury my head in the sand and let this year play out to it's agonizing end. Since that action is not an option I will solider on.
I'm dedicating this blog to two of my aunt's. One, my Auntie Doris passed away this fall. The other my Auntie Alice is very much alive. She is a fighter, a survivor of breast cancer and in my book she is a Warrior Queen. You see, my two very special aunties were part of that circle of people that helped define my character and made me the woman I am today.
Losing my Auntie Doris was, in some way worse than losing my own mother. Both of my aunties have taken up the position in my life as aunt, sister and as a mother figure. My Aunt Doris's house was home. A home where we gathered as a family the last Christmas my grandparents were alive and together. It's where we celebrated my mom's final Christmas on this earth before she passed in 2000 and it's where we have joined together over these last several years to catch up with each other, to celebrate our victories and mourn our losses. The house is still there but my Auntie Doris is gone.
As this holiday was approaching I could hear min my ear the voice of my sweet gentle Aunt Doris urging me to get over my Scrooge like attitude and my Mrs. Grinch like ways and buckle up and celebrate life.
I decided to take a page out the book of Doris and Alice and I chose to make something special for the people in my life that have brought me through this year. I love to craft, just like my Aunt's and have fond memories of making salt dough ornaments and pine cone birds seed feeders for the birds to feast on over the long winter months. It was important for my Aunt Doris to honor all of life, human, animal and insect alike. She valued every critter. Even the lowly earthen worms and the woolly caterpillars.
I found some shiny beads and a few silver baubles and crafted a bracelet. I hand picked a silver charm for each bracelet that said, I love you to the moon and back. words that my aunties both have whispered to those of us they loved. Each bracelet is unique. Each bracelet that I made was for someone special, a person who had made a significance in my life during this very hard, long year of loss.
Of course I made one for my Auntie Alice. She was down visiting from up north to spend Christmas with her children and grandchildren and she managed to etch out a few minutes of her packed schedule for a visit with me and receive her gift. We spent a few moment's standing in the kitchen of our beloved Doris talking and crying over our joint loss and in a small way celebrating our love of life and the precious gift of being with family.
Then last night I received a phone call from my Aunt Alice. She was full of giggles and began to tell me about her visit to her sister's grave site. She had stopped by the cemetery before she drove home back to Elyria. Apparently as Alice retold the story. She was wearing the bracelet on her wrist and was standing graveside checking out the beautiful grave blanket that adorned Doris's final resting place. Alice had bent down to pick up a heart shaped rock that she found on the ground to give to her great nephew, Doris's youngest grandson, and was about to walk away when her husband pointed to the ground and told her that she lost her ring. Puzzled my Aunt wondered what the holy heck her hubby was talking about. Apparently the charm on her bracelet had loosened itself and broke free landing right on top of Doris's grave. That brought a chuckle to Alice and also to myself when she called to tell me about it. You see Alice told her sister that she couldn't keep the charm as it was made just for her, by me. As I listened to the joy in my auntie's voice I was struck with an idea. I happen to have a matching charm, just like the one that I had linked to Alice's bracelet. I decided that I would make my way over to the cemetery and tuck the charm safley under the grave blanket as a token of love and affection for my beautiful kind and loving aunt whom I valued more than life itself.
I had a long talk with my Auntie at graveside. I realized that I haven't even begun to mourn her departure from this earth. Not even a little bit. Making these bracelets and passing them out to my family and friends was my way of honoring my Aunt and the values that she taught me. She passed on sayings like "Work smarter not harder". She was also famous for saying "I love you to the moon and back"
So I found a little rock with a sharp edge and I dug a little hole, deep enough to hold that charm and then I dropped it on to her burial plot, tucked up under the greenery that adorned her plot.
I felt lighter, happier and almost dare I say it; In the Christmas spirit. I went about my day, finishing up some final Christmas shopping and stopping by the grocery for some last minute holiday treats.
Upon arriving home my husband and I grabbed our goodies and entered the house through the front door. Usually we walk into the garage but one of our grandson's was napping and we took the unusual route through the front as to not wake him from his nap. Low and behold crawling on the ground, right smack dab in the middle of porch was a beautiful orange and black woolly worm.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that my auntie D. and given me a message from heaven. The message was to embrace life, rejoice in today and celebrate Christmas just as she would have wanted me to. Also she really wanted that damn charm and by golly she was happy that she got one. Just like her sister Alice's.
If I am to be my true Authentic self, then I must honor those wonderful women in my life that were and still are an integral part of who I am today.
As a final Christmas celebration my husband and I drove through the Fairfield County Fairgrounds where a Christmas light display had been set up. Bernie Fleming of Keller Farm's added the display for the joy of all in the county to enjoy. Mr. Fleming also happens to be my Aunt Doris's former boss.
I was taking in the beautiful display of flickering lights when I suddenly gasped in amazement. Right in front of me was the most glorious sight. A giant picture of my Auntie Doris Marcus. Mr. Fleming had made sure that she was part of the display of lights. There she was smiling down on me, in all her glory, surrounded by a grouping of gorgeous plants. She was right there on the side of a barn, working smarter, not harder and I could hear her whisper in my ear. I Love You To The Moon and Back.
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